By Coral
Disclaimer: For the last time Paramount owns them we’re just having fun.
Kathryn stared at herself in the mirror. Was her ass always that big? She shook her head and walked away from the ready room mirror.
And it just got bigger.
She turned around as the door chime went off, wondering who dared risk their head before she'd finished her morning coffee. This was the reason she stopped drinking cream in her coffee; it was so fattening. And now here she was still a humungous size 10.
And now she had company. Anyone with a smaller butt than hers was going to die. "Enter!"
Commander Chakotay stepped through the door, his eyes darting from side to side with nerves. In one hand, he held a PADD; the other held a cup of coffee.
Kathryn stared at him. *Ha, I know his ass is bigger than mine, I'm sure he's got other things larger than mine too.* She felt the drool slide down the side of her mouth.
"What's up, Commander?" And she deftly flicked away the drool. Class shows every time.
"Coffee's up, Captain. And Crew Evaluations." He handed her the PADD. If he had seen her hasty save, he gave no indication of it at all.
Kathryn was completely intoxicated by her ass, his ass, the asses of the Delta Quadrant, "You know Chakotay sometimes I wish I had a mirror with a better view."
"It's looking pretty good from my angle, Captain. Here's the Crew's evaluation report...they rated your ass a Double A!"
"You - you -" She grabbed the PADD and looked at it, quickly scrolling down the data. "I should never have let you go ahead with this!" she wailed.
Chakotay grabbed Kathryn by the shoulders. "Hon you wanted an honest opinion, I got one...from 152 people." He sighed. "Okay 151, we wouldn't let Naomi vote."
And I know why, too. Her ass is smaller than mine. Isn't it??
"Yeah, Kathryn. She's also fourty years younger than you," Chakotay pointed out, rather stupidly.
Kathryn punched him in the nose adding to the already crinkled edges. "38 years asshole."
She turned her back to him and muttered, "at least I have the 'asshole' part right!" She turned back. "Chakotay, this is all YOUR fault!"
"My fault? How is this my fault, I ask? I believe shipwide polls were Neelix's idea."
"Neelix?!" Kathryn was unbelieving, "Please don't tell me you asked Neelix to vote and stare at my ass, I wasn't there!" Chakotay glanced at her. "I have the picture from...you know, last night." Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "Chakotay. DON't tell me that you actually kept that picture. You promised you'd recycle it!
Chakotay got a twinkle in his eye. "No, I said I'd consider recycling it. You must have been very.. er.. tipsy...not to remember that."
Kathryn glared at him. “Oh sure first you tell me, ‘I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you for the damned picture.” She breathed in. “Now its my fault again?”
Chakotay smiled. "Works for me, hon! Worked for the wrinkles under the eyes, worked for the boobs, worked for the belly, and now it's working for the big ass!
Kathryn launched herself towards Chakotay, but he held up the mug of coffee in front of him. "You wouldn't hurt the coffee, would you, Kathryn?" he said. "Not the coffee. It doesn't deserve to suffer."
Kathryn looked at the coffee, then at Chakotay. Then at the coffee. Then at Chakotay. The coffee won. Kathryn dumped it on his pants, creating and interesting reaction'
"DAMN!" she cried. What a waste of good coffee!"
Chakotay doubled over in pain - the coffee had still been burning hot, and had soaked right through his trousers.
Kathryn beamed, "You know Chakotay, I like work. I can sit and watch it for hours, especially when you're jumping around like a mexican bean." The evil gleam in her eye disappeared. "Computer, beam Commander Chakotay's wet pants to his quarters, but leave the underwear." As an afterthought she added. "And restrict his replicator and transporter priviledges until furter notice."
"Computer, beam Janeway's uniform to her quarters. Leave only her underwear and restrict her replicator and transporter privileges until further notice." He looked at Kathryn and smiled wickedly.
He glared at her, a glare worthy of Janeway herself. "Kathryn," he said as he walked out onto the bridge, "Did anyone ever mention to you that...payback's a bitch?"
And she smiled back. "Yup, and her name is Janeway, TattooMan. And you have the bridge, Chakotay!"
END