Birthday Bothers

By Coral

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all!

In answer to Deb's challenge: To write a fic where one of Majel's characters has a birthday, but doesn't know it...

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To: Captain Pike
From: Doctor Boyce
Subject: Records
Time: 1001 hours

Chris -
Whilst going through the crew records in an attempt to assess who hadn't yet turned up for their annual checkup, I happened to notice that the birthdate in a certain First Officer's file was missing. Any ideas why? I hesitate to mention it to said woman; I never have liked operating on myself.
-Phil
PS. Your checkup is tomorrow, 0300. Don't be late.
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1005 hours

Glad to see you still have some sense of self preservation, you old seadog. The person in question has no birthday that I'm aware of, though.
-Chris
PS - Not funny.
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To: Pike
From: Boyce
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1007 hours

Immaculate conception but twice as clever?
-Phil
PS - Good, I'm serious.
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To: Boyce - far too nosy for his own good
From: Pike - who has better things to do.
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1009 hours

Something like that. Bring it up with her if you must know; I'm sure she'd love to tell you all about it. That's why it isn't in her records at all that she's a test tube experiment.
-Chris
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To: Boyce - who had best keep his mouth shut
From: Pike - who is in big, big trouble.
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1009 hours

Damn. Tell me I did NOT send that. She'll kill me. I swear, she will.
-Chris
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To: Pike - Possible Walking Corpse
From: Boyce - Innocent
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1010 hours

Should I start preparing the autopsy lab?
-Phil
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To: Boyce
From: The Doomed Captain Pike
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1011 hours

Severe lacerations, multiple chest wounds, internal bleeding, concussion and asphyxiation. I didn't even need the lab; can I have your job? My life is free for the taking.
-Chris
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To: The Late Captain Pike
From: Boyce, Medical Genius.
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1011 hours

> My life is free for the taking.
Are you *trying* to give the XO ideas?
It has occurred to me, though, that I could probably go through her medical records and determine a rough date of birth. Reports, scans - anything could help. If that information that you didn't give me earlier and I recall nothing of is correct, there will be lots of little signs I could look for. Genetic markers or the breakdown of certain particles could help.
I may have to call her in for a deep level tissue scan, mind you. But I'm sure you can come up with a good excuse.
-Phil
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To: Boyce, who may soon be equally late
From: Pike, in hiding
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1013 hours

You're kidding me. I swear you are. When did tormenting the Captain become such a pastime? Isn't it enough that she'll kill me if she finds out you know? I'll haunt you for this. I swear on my ... um ... Captain's Chair.
-Chris
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To: Pike, dead man walking.
From: Boyce, pretty impressed with himself
Subject: Re: Records
Time: 1016 hours

Wasn't hard at all. And no need for those tissue scans. Her birthday's tomorrow.
-Phil
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Tomorrow
Time: 1450 hours

Sorry about the length of time answering; you may have noticed the ship rocking a bit. Tomorrow? That gives us, what? Nine hours and ten minutes! Couldn't you have found this out earlier?! We can't let a senior officer's birthday go without a party; it's unheard of!
-Chris
attachment: starfleet reg 7/54/47 - birthdays.txt
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To: Pike
From: Boyce
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1455 hours

Yes, I had noticed one or two rather large explosions. Like the one that forced us to evacuate sickbay and nearly killed two of my nurses. I assume it wasn't a certain feisty first officer after your blood?
That's in the REGS?! No wonder you persist in throwing parties for Spock despite his protestations.
She'll kill us both for this.
-Phil
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To: Boyce, Dead Man Walking...
From: Pike, ditto
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1505 hours

We don't have any choice. If you'd just thought to leave well alone...!! But no, you had to condemn both of us to death row. We'll call a meeting of all senior staff in my quarters at 1900. Luckily, She has bridge duty then.
-Chris
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To: Commander Joseph Kaderrah
From: Captain Christopher Pike
Subject: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1507 hours

Required: One Birthday Cake, to be delivered to the Rec Room at 1200 hours tomorrow.
NO WORD OF THIS MUST REACH THE EXECUTIVE OFFICER BY ORDER OF THE CAPTAIN.
Have a nice day, Joe.
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To: Pike
From: Boyce
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1508 hours

Don't forget presents. Very important.
-Phil
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To: Lieutenant Spock
From: Captain Christopher Pike
Subject: REC ROOM - LT. SPOCK'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1508 hours

Pull all the yeomen you need and get the Rec Room decorated for the XO's birthday party at 1200 tomorrow. Not a word to her about it, and that's an order.
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To: Chris Pike
From: Joe Kaderrah
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1510 hours

You trying to break a certain woman's defenses down, Chris? This is a LOW one, even by your standards. Everyone knows the walking coolant unit doesn't have a birthday.
-Joe
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1510 hours

Don't stress yourself needlessly; could be bad for you at your age. I have a present ready - I meant to give it to her last week, but, hey, maybe I knew this would happen.
-Chris
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To: Pike
From: Boyce
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1512 hours

Last week? What was special about last week?
-Phil
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To: Joe Kaderrah, who is pushing it
From: Chris Pike
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1512 hours

Don't call her that, and she does. It's tomorrow. Not a word to her about it, mind you.
-Chris
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1513 hours

Nothing.
-Chris
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To: Chris
From: Joe
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1513 hours

Oh, touchy! It must be lurve...
-Joe
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To: Pike, stupider than he looks
From: Boyce, cleverer than you think
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1514 hours

Last week was Valentine's Day, according to the Ship's Computer. Is there something going on I should know about?
-Phil
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To: Boyce, who is a dead, dead man
From: Pike, who could easily bust Boyce down
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1515 hours

I think you're letting your imagination run away with you, Boyce. She's pretty, attractive, calm, collected, and drop dead gorgeous, but I have no interest in her at all.
Not in that way, anyway.
What is it with you guys? Kaderrah's convinced I'm seeing her each night as it is; now you're in on it too!
-Chris
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To: Pike
From: Boyce
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1517 hours

It's the drool that gives it away, Chris. Get a bib.
-Phil
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1520 hours

I was going to come up with a scathing comment, but I'm not sure you're worth it.
-Chris
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To: Joe
From: Chris
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1520 hours

Just bake the goddamn cake.
-Chris
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To: Capt Pike, touchy
From: Kaderrah, cool as a cucumber
Subject: Re: ORDER - HEAD CHEF'S EYES ONLY
Time: 1521 hours

Will do.
-Joe
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1522 hours

Phil? You there?
-Chris
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1525 hours

Doctor Boyce? You there?
-Chris
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To: Boyce
From: Pike
Subject: Re: Tomorrow
Time: 1535 hours

This isn't funny...
-Chris
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To: Captain Christopher Pike
From: Your Somewhat Irritated First Officer
Subject: This illogical, ill-thought out nonsense.
Time: 1545 hours

Hello, Chris.
I thought you might like to know that I found Dr Boyce's PADD discarded in the corridor. Dr Boyce himself is in sickbay; he seems to have met someone who was a little ticked off with him.
I have no idea who that could be.
Mind you, I doubt he'll be lonely. There was an entire afternoon's worth of messages in here, which I accidentally saw. I am now also in possession of Joe Kaderrah's PADD. Careless man.
If anything - I repeat, ANYTHING - out of the ordinary happens at 1200 hours tomorrow, I assure you the consequences will not be pretty. I don't have a birthday, is that understood? You were stringing them along, whatever - we all know your twisted sense of humour. I'm sure you can come up with an acceptable excuse? Right?
And thank Boyce for me. Now that I know when my birthday is, I have to fill in all the forms again. Fun. Plus, I have to try and dodge this charade each year.
In the meantime, I think we could arrange to have dinner in my quarters. This present sounds promising, Chris, and I'd hate to see it wasted. I know you have that bottle of champagne put by, too.
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To: All Crewmembers, USS Enterprise
From: Captain Pike, USS Enterprise
Subject: Rumours
Time: 1550 hours

For those of you who may not appreciate my "twisted sense of humour", yesterday's rumours about a party were just a joke.
I would like to confirm that tomorrow is NOT our First Officer's birthday, there is NOT going to be a party, and I am NOT giving her the day off tomorrow so that she can relax.
Furthermore, I am NOT madly in love with her.
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To: All Crewmembers, USS Enterprise
From: Captain Pike, USS Enterprise
Subject: Rumours - addendum.
Time: 1551 hours

DAMMIT!
I didn't mean to send that.

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END